This is about the second episode of the series of the Deep on BBC1 and about the depth the show has reached before I had to let go and let it keep sinking alone.
I like to be patronised. I love having someone speak to me like I'm so stupid I need an explanation of what is being said to me at the end of nearly every sentence. Especially sentences with long multi-syllable words in them. I am like this because I don't normally watch sci-fi techno thrillers that involve a great deal of tech/science/biology/physics as integral parts of the plot.
Wait a minute, what am I saying, of course I like sci-fi techno thrillers, I love The Abyss, Solaris, 2001, 2010 and so forth. I Hate to be patronised, it goes against my geek grain to have to be spoonfed in my favourite genre.
Which is a large reason why I began resenting The Deep, I became more and more infuriated with the dialogue which the poor cast had to spew out over each other. Here's a howling example from Minnie Driver's character: “Now listen. Samson is about to risk his life taking the one-man submersible into the hydrothermal vent field unsupported. Do you understand what that means?”
Lines like that were strewn throughout this heavy-handed and stupendously naive series that manages to take itself incredibly seriously whilst simultaneously treating its audience as though they were being allowed up past their bedtime.
The first episode was just about bearable; opening with a mysterious sub disappearance due to some'thing' that might be an undersea alien/monster/mutant or perhaps all of the above, seeing as it might be a lifeform from the unexplored world of hydrothermal vents. Cool, I thought, nothing like a spot of Cloverfield/Godzilla/Kraken action. They even chucked in a vampire squid cameo to hint at a possible 10,000 leagues under the sea drama. It was due to this fan-dance of hints that I put up with the highly derivative elements of sci-fi rescue mission movies gone classic. (see handy Amazon link for a selection of much better things to watch than the Deep.)
The second episode held my attention as the mystery of a huge mysterious submarine floating above our heroes' submarine unfolded. As our intrepid crew investigated the seemingly deserted hulk, they discovered dead crewmembers and I thought, lovely, could be a monster/aliens/mutation or perhaps all the above, that will reveal itself as a nice cliffhanger for ep3.
But no. It 'voz de Rah-chanz'.
Yes folks, the Orpheus submarine has either developed time-travel capability, or there is a wormhole down among them thar sea-bed hydrothermal vents that leads to the early 80's. It seems there is a giant supersub that has managed to avoid detection and roam the seas looking for oil to illegally drill that could start world war 3 or 4. This magnificent piece of super secret technology has managed to operate in secret despite being run by fat alcoholic Russian stereotypes and sneaky deadly smoking Spetznaz stereotypes, as well as leaking steam from miles and miles of creaky old soviet-era looking pipeways and gantries.
I sighed, I let go, the show sank and keeps on sinking. Never to be seen again.
